I’ve been thinking a lot about how the truest things in life are contradictory.
That you can be deeply grateful and deeply grieving at the same time. That the more certain we are about who we are.. the more comfortable we get at admitting how little we know.
Sometimes we spend our whole lives avoiding discomfort or pain, which could be the very things that make us feel alive.
This came up a lot during my travels in Mallorca (that I wrote about in my last article). I was somewhere I loved that’s objectively beautiful, living a life I’m really privileged to live and still carrying grief with me. I could feel everything and nothing at the same time. I could feel really certain that everything in my life is uncertain.
It made me start thinking about paradoxes.
A paradox is a statement or situation that seems to go against common sense or logic, but the more you sit with it the more truth appears.
After Mallorca, we headed to Amsterdam in search of slightly cooler weather and something novel. Wondering what a new place might bring up in me, we hit the bookstore on the first day we arrived. I picked up every book that piqued my interest and read for hours. Completely lost track of time in the creative entrepreneur and consciousness sections. Finally, my husband texts me that it’s time to go and I almost walk out, bookless. But one grabbed me right before the door and I check out with it.
‘The Wisdom of Insecurity’ by Alan Watts. I don’t know what drew me to it but to my surprise, Gavin tells me it was the one he wanted to buy but didn’t. Out of all the books in this 4 story store.. sure.
So I get back to our room in Amsterdam and start my reading on this book written in 1951.
The introduction? On paradoxes.
I hadn’t read a word in this book before picking it up, and yet the very first sentence speaks to my recent thoughts.. “This book aims to travel everywhere and nowhere”.
The thing about paradoxes is.. they are the answer to all of the worlds’ best questions.
How do I matter in this world? Well, you are unique and separate. And.. you are absolutely inseparable from the whole universe.
How do we ‘wake up’ spiritually? You can’t force it. But the more you stop trying to force it, the closer you get.
How do we come to know certainty? Believe completely in something that will always contain uncertainty.
The more I looked, the more I found these contradictions everywhere.
On my flight back to the states from Amsterdam - I came across another Substack writers’ article. A recap of their thoughts on the new Odyssey film. I’m not a huge movie-goer but their take on the lotus eating scene really caught my attention.
They reminded me of the fact that if pleasure is so great, we will forget our purpose and sense of urgency.
Isn’t that something? If you’ve watched the movie you’ll know we were all on the edge of our seats wondering when Odysseus would leave his little slice of paradise for what really mattered: The fight. His family. His leadership.
It made me think..
Where in my life have I chased pleasure when I should have been choosing purpose?
Where have I given up my own drive to complete a mission for short sighted joy?
We live in a world that is truly crippled by quick dopamine. Our phones, the lotus flowers of this generation, giving us just enough pleasure to keep us from seeing or reaching the goal. Because watching someone else cook from scratch from their own garden they cultivate every single day is definitely fun enough. Definitely way less work then actually starting that garden you’ve been putting off for months.
Anyways.. these are the thoughts I’ve been having as well as the questions I keep asking myself in my journal. So if you’re a fellow journal-er, I want to leave you with more of these paradoxes that I can guarantee will have you thinking about life a little differently (at least they did for me). And if they don’t, there’s 6 more questions for you at the end.
1. The most terrifying threats remind us of the value of life
Think about a time in your life when you genuinely feared for your life. Or maybe you lost someone very close to you. When you are put in the horrifying position of seeing life’s fragility is the exact moment you are faced with the reality of its value. On the contrary, when you are dealt a life that is full of joy and lacking pain or suffering, you are not privy to the multitude of reasons you should fight for it.
2. The real danger in life is being comfortable
For we will forget what we need to do. Lotus eaters understand this one. What’s the point if pleasure is great and comfort is already high?
3. The more we are able to feel pleasure, the more we feel pain
Expand your capacity to feel one end of the spectrum, and I promise you will feel the other too. 6 years ago, I changed my view of success to having the capacity to feel the full spectrum of emotions deeply. It’s been a rollercoaster since let me tell you. But in feeling more discomfort and pain, I have felt greater joy.
4. You can only have a happy relationship if you are happy being alone
Learning how to love yourself first is the secret ingredient to every healthy relationship. You teach others how to treat you. That relationship starts with you and the energy you pour into your own cup is how you can pour out onto others.
5. The less afraid you are to die, the less afraid you are to live
This goes back to #1 .. when you truly know that death is inevitable in your core, you start living more. Remembering (and remembering often) that you are going to die can be used as a very important tool to do the things you have always wanted to do. Not a single day is promised, and the more we start living like it, the more juice we will squeeze out of life.
In sitting with these paradoxes, I’ve simultaneously been sitting very closely with the fears I have. Fear has felt palpable in this season. I don’t know where I’m going next. Literally or physically. I don’t know where I’ll be next week.
But if you remember the name of the book I picked up in Amsterdam.. The Wisdom of Insecurity. I have a feeling I’m reading about the exact season I’m in. I’m learning to live inside of uncertainty rather than finding a way out of it. I’m enjoying the process of revealing these deeper truths, rather than needing the truth itself which is most definitely not promised to ever come.
The deeper truth? If we knew the answer, there would be nothing left to search for.
And thank God for that. Because if we had a single answer we would not be free. We would be completely trapped.
It is in the process of bringing understanding to your life that brings you peace. Not having understanding. The pursuit of asking these questions is part of the answer itself.
Naval Ravikant talks about this concept in length and I highly recommend you listen to his podcasts if you haven’t yet.
I’ve had a journal running every year of my life since I was 12. When I look back at them, I can feel the energy of myself searching for answers. But when I look deeper, I realize even 12-year-old me writing about the boy she kissed, was learning how to enjoy the process of self-reflection. It makes us feel alive to ask questions and reflect on these paradoxes.
So if that wasn’t enough to get you reflecting on different parts of your life, I want to leave you with these questions to ponder in your own journal.. Maybe the answers are all paradoxes too.
What do you need to let go of in order to receive more?
Where would trying less get me further?
What part of my life might become easier if I stopped needing it to be easy?
What pain am I avoiding that might expand my capacity for joy?
Where have I mistaken pleasure for fulfillment?
If the point of my life isn’t to become comfortable, what might the point be?
very on brand and paradoxical of me to write about grief, death and fear and close with
stay lighthearted,
chels
<3
What a lovely view 💙